Top 5 Tips for Men Dating After Divorce
I’ve heard a lot of divorce stories. Some more cringe-worthy than others.
Each divorce is unique, like a snowflake.
A dreaded, expensive, and exhausting snowflake.
A common thread I’ve seen throughout the dating after divorce process is the desire to find a kind and compatible partner. About 70 % of my clients are men who are dating again after 40. I recently had a male client say, “There’s no guide for dating after 45 with two young kids.”
Well, my friend - here it is!
Step 1: Refine your divorce story
Step 2: Put yourself out there
Step 3: Take it slow
Step 4: Get your head in the game
Step 5: Avoid these common mistakes
Refine your divorce story
Figuring out how to talk about your divorce (most likely one of the worst experiences you’ve ever navigated) is probably the last thing you want to do right now. I’m a big fan of letting the past stay in the past, but going through this exercise and getting your “divorce story” down pat is an important part of the dating process.
Whether you’re ready or not, you should be prepared to answer the following questions about your former marriage:
How long ago was your divorce?
What was the process like with your ex?
Are things amicable with your ex?
Why are you still single?
It’s easy to feel blindsided by these questions if you haven’t prepared for them before your first post-divorce date. Trust me – you need to be ready for this situation.
Here’s my favorite response - “Things just didn’t work out. We grew apart. My ex is a great person. They’re just not my person.”
Use this response when you first meet someone. Save the extra details for later, if you two progress into a relationship. No one should air out their dirty laundry on a first date.
Put yourself out there
I was recently featured in InsideHook magazine where I was asked, “What are the best dating apps for divorced men to use?” In the article, I suggested that men dating after a divorce check out Bumble, Hinge, and Coffee Meets Bagel.
While running your dating apps can feel like a second job, they do make it so much easier to meet people you never would have connected with. If you’re looking to get back out there, I recommend starting with any of the three dating apps I mentioned above.
If you’re “old school” and not interested in online dating, try starting a new hobby or volunteering to meet new people. A new hobby is a great way to meet someone who is interested in the same things as you. A little-known fact - women love men who volunteer. It’s a sexy trait to be giving to others without anything expected in return.
Not interested in online dating or taking a class? Hit me up! I match men throughout the U.S. and Canada.
I personally vet and run background checks on each potential date for my clients. After a divorce, it can be difficult to find someone who shares life goals, core values, and is also in the same “life season” as you. By the time my client goes on a date, I’ve asked the tough questions so they can just relax and have fun. Sign up for a complimentary call to discuss how the matchmaking process works.
Take it slow
Dating later in life has unique challenges you might have not run into when you were last single.
Take your time. Enjoy being single. Seriously.
Don’t rush from your divorce into a serious relationship right away. If you have children DO NOT introduce them to a new partner until you know that the relationship is going somewhere. My rule of thumb is don’t introduce a significant other until they are significant.
Even if you say you’re having a playdate with your new “friends” kids, your children will pick up what’s going on. Kids of divorce have already been through enough change. Being introduced and then reintroduced to different women will not benefit anyone.
Get your head in the game
The biggest piece of advice I give to men dating after a divorce is to be honest and transparent when dating. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, or if you’re looking for something casual - just say it! They might be looking for the same thing.
Instead of looking at dating as something that you have to do, look at it as a chance to meet new people that you would have never otherwise met. Changing your perspective on dating can transform it from an experience that feels like an interview to a fun time. My advice – try suggesting a fun activity and then grab a bite to eat instead of just dinner.
No one likes to be ghosted, so if you aren’t interested in someone it’s best to just send a “It’s been great spending time with you, but I think we’re on different pages” text, as opposed to just ghosting them. Waiting a week to send this text does, however, make you an asshole.
If/when ghosting happens to you - I have a helpful article here.
Lastly, if her profile looks too good to be true, then there’s a strong possibility that it’s fake, or she’s looking for an OnlyFans contribution instead of a date. If we’ve had the pleasure of speaking you may already know that I do not recommend Tinder. Tinder is the most widely used dating app in the world, but it suffers from an overwhelming amount of fake profiles and scammers.
Avoid these common mistakes
Most newly divorced men don’t have photos of just themselves. Their photos from the last decade are usually with their ex or their kids. So, MOST of the photos I see of men online are, well...horrendous.
Sorry, fellas.
Whether I’m running a dating profile for my clients or matching them with someone new, my first step is professional photos. The difference between well-lit, quality photos and those I see on dating apps every day is a completely different dating experience. Great photos (paired with a well-written bio) are the best way to immediately up your game. Plus, new photos can also work as a great LinkedIn headshot.
The second biggest mistake I see men make on dating apps is asking for someone’s number too soon. Women want to know a little about you before giving you their phone number or meeting in person. This is often the case to ensure they are being safe - the internet can be a weird place. Most women on dating apps are not looking for a “pen pal” but sending one or two messages and then directly asking for their phone number will almost always scare them off.
Final thoughts
Although the dating scene has changed since you were last single, you still have a lot to offer. You may be a little rusty, but trust me. You got this!
