Red Flag Or a Quirk?
Recognizing red flags is one of the BIGGEST challenges of modern dating.
But how do you tell the difference between a red flag and a "quirk"?
Well...it depends.
Everyone brings their own unique life experiences to the dating process. Because of this, the things that scream "JADE THIS IS A RED FLAG RUN AWAY!!!" to me may not even pop up on your radar as a potential issue — and vice versa. Your red flags are dictated by the experiences of your childhood, adult life, and past relationships. They will most likely be different than the red flags of the person you're chatting with on a dating app.
Here are some examples of my personal red flags:
Bad mouthing an ex: It’s never excusable in my book, unless you and your new partner have been together for an extended amount of time.
Inconsistency: Inconsistency can come from a number of things, including lack of interest, lack of time/availability, and/ or lack of emotional capacity for a new relationship.
Not respecting boundaries: Boundaries are another term that get thrown around, but they were critical for me when dating after a divorce. Without boundaries, you are allowing others to decide how you deserve to be treated.
Violence: This is mostly self explanatory, but there is no excuse for verbal, physical, or emotional violence. If you are going through this, please reach out and I will refer you to a trusted specialist.
But what about quirks — How do those differ from red flags?
As defined by Cambridge dictionary – a quirk is an unusual habit of part or someone’s personality, or something that is strange or unexpected. But like red flags, what you perceive to be a quirk is often a personal choice.
Here are some examples of things I perceive to be quirks:
Not liking dogs/cats: Contrary to popular belief, not liking dogs or cats does not make someone a villain. Some people have allergies, different cultural beliefs, or may have had a negative experience with animals growing up.
“Odd” hobbies: Don’t get me wrong, hobbies like cosplay, Dungeons & Dragons, and model trains may seem weird, but tell me – is it a dealbreaker for your man or woman to be nerdy?
Being a “homebody”: The term “homebody” hits a little differently post pandemic. However someone who values their own space and privacy should not be an automatic red flag. It should however bring up the question – are you two aligned?
Here's where things can get weird — it's quite possible that someone else's red flag might be something that you perceive as a quirk.
Are the following examples red flags or quirks — you decide!
Not making eye contact: Not making eye contact is usually attributed to someone being deceptive or otherwise uncomfortable. However, there are some very functional adults who are on the autism spectrum who don’t feel comfortable with eye contact.
Not saying they have children before the date: Generally, it would be nice to know if you and your date are aligned on family planning before you meet. However, as someone who works with single parents on a daily basis, I know that their main priority is protecting their children from online (and offline) predators.
Asking to split the bill: I have a very different stance on splitting the bill on the first date than other dating experts. When it comes to two adults meeting for the first time I believe it’s absolutely acceptable to split the bill ESPECIALLY if the woman asked the man out.
What do I do if I can’t tell the difference?
The way you distinguish red flags from quirks is different for everyone, but what you can do instead of making further assumptions is ask these two questions:
“What do you mean?”
“Can you tell me more about that?”
If it does turn out to be the red flag that you thought, you have three choices. You can try to change it, you can accept it, or you can leave. Want a helpful guide for making the right choices in a potential partner moving forward? Download the free reflection journal for divorcees here.
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