The Dating After Divorce Guide to Ghosting
“I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost!”
What is Ghosting?
When it comes to dating problems, I always, and I mean always, defer to my favorite line from the Ghostbusters theme song.
“I ain’t afraid of no ghost!”
And neither should you.
As the ultimate example of bad manners, ghosting is the act of failing to contact someone after a date. Ghosting can follow the very first meeting or it can occur weeks (even months) into the process of getting to know someone. One person is left staring at their smartphone in puzzlement, while the other gets on with their life as if they never met.
In a world where we’re tied to our phones, it seems quite simple to just send a ‘thanks but no thanks’ message to someone, if a phone call is too much.
Yes, we’re talking to you millennials.
For the person left in the dark, the ghostee, it can be all too easy to start fabricating plausible reasons for their actions. This mode of thought is highly detrimental to dating confidence, especially if you’re just getting out of a marriage or long-term relationship. Such negativity can halt onward progress, and potentially turn you off from dating altogether.
Regardless of if you’re new to the dating scene or a seasoned veteran, ghosting can feel like a swift kick to the ego when it happens to you.
What does ghosting look like?
Whether ghosting occurs after the first date, or into a situationship, the feeling of rejection will inevitably sting. No matter the timeline, it’s very frustrating to realize that you’ve spent precious time and energy on someone who couldn’t appreciate it further.
Here’s what ghosting looks like:
You’ve been out on a few dates, but you’ve made a point to take it slow. A week has passed since that event they asked you to go to, but he or she didn’t respond to your call or text the day of, or since. It’s been a week...
You have been talking for a couple of weeks online and via text. Oh yes, and that Zoom happy hour last week. And now? Crickets...
After seeing each other for a few weeks, they introduced you to their friends. You usually get a “Good morning, beautiful” text every am, but you haven’t heard back from them in four days. So, you wonder - what changed?
Why do people ghost?
There are two types of people who ghost.
Type ‘A’ is an individual who lacks empathy for the situation. This type of ghost fails to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. At the very least, they fail to acknowledge that leaving someone hanging is the very form of rejection they fear the most. To put it simply, they do not care enough (or have the emotional maturity) to say anything.
Type ‘B’ is someone who believes that they are saving the ghostee’s feelings by not telling them that they’re no longer interested. See UD’s definition of ghost: “to avoid someone until they get the picture and stop contacting you.” To put it mildly, they are afraid of confrontation.
There could be a whole host of reasons why someone may have gone AWOL, beyond our imagination. Perhaps they weren’t who they said they were. Or they might have had a drastic change of circumstances but feel unable to share what’s happening. Mental health crises can also be an unseen cause - I mean, it is 2021. Or they could just have terrible dating etiquette!
How to deal with it?
Vulnerability is par for the course if you’re coming out of a relationship and find yourself newly single. You may be questioning yourself on multiple levels, and seeking validation for things that were lacking in your past relationship. Dating can feel scary and the thought of rejection doesn’t help anyone heal.
Regardless of intention, ghosting happens, so how do we deal with it?
The first part of dealing with a ghost is to NOT wait around for them to contact you. If you catch yourself constantly checking your phone, change it from vibrate to loud, and go about your business. Casper is not making time for you, so why spend any more time thinking about the “what ifs” with them?
“Vulnerability is par for the course if you’re coming out of a relationship and find yourself newly single. You may be questioning yourself on multiple levels, and seeking validation for things that were lacking in your past relationship. ”
If you want to take the high road - which you should - consciously thank the ghost for their time in your mind and heart. They have cut themselves off, leaving you free to meet someone who respects your time and value. There is now fresh space within your life to meet the right person and build the connections you desire.
The next time you are thinking, “I wish I would’ve just swiped left on this person”, take the advice I give to my Dating After Divorce clients. After the proper amount of in-between time passes, and you feel like you are getting ghosted, drop the following in a text:
“Hey there. I hope you’re well. I just wanted to say that I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I think we’re just on different pages. I truly wish you the best. Take care, (insert name of man or woman who no longer gets to enjoy your presence).
How to prevent ghosting?
You can’t prevent ghosting. As with any type of relationship, there is always the chance of rejection. But you should be on the lookout for early signs of potential ghosting:
They are texting you less often than before.
You see them on social media, but they haven’t texted or called you back.
They are no longer making plans with you like they previously had.
You feel it in your gut.
Friendly reminder: Don’t let a few ghosts hold you back from building the relationship you want! You got this!
