Newly Single? Here’s How You handle Your First rejection.

“Rejection is part of the process, not a value judgment.”

Ah, the sting of your first rejection, post-divorce. You put yourself out there and the same energy was not returned. 

Ouch.

As if you weren’t feeling vulnerable enough already, you are now hit with that first painful rejection as a newly single person. It can feel downright debilitating, especially if you’re still trying to rediscover your confidence and sense of self-worth. 

But before we go any further, let’s get one thing straight: Rejection is part of the dating process, not a value judgment on you. 

I say this to clients all the time - dating is a numbers game. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, nor should you be. One of my favorite quotes growing up was, “We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Rejection happens to EVERYONE. What matters most is how you deal with it. 

“Rejection is part of the dating process, not a value judgment on you. ”

 Now, I know that is not exactly what you want to hear (nor what I’m supposed to say in my professional capacity as a dating coach and matchmaker), but finding love right away is exceptionally rare. In fact, studies have shown that women typically go on seven dates and men eight dates before finding the person they want to settle down with. Or in my case, a larger, undisclosed number. 😂

Nonetheless, there is no denying that your first rejection post-divorce can feel like Deja-vu. So let’s walk through the process together. 

Initial Shock

You may feel a bit shell-shocked. Maybe you thought the date was going well, and the two of you were forming a quality connection. Then boom, perhaps they ghosted (you as we covered in the ghosting guide), or maybe they reached out to you and simply said they wanted to part ways. 

Whatever the case may be, don't question what you did wrong or get hung up on the fact that someone turned you down. Eventually, the shock will wear off. 

So instead of dwelling on it, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience so you can take those lessons with you the next time around.

Ripping off the Band-Aid

Dang, you really liked them too. 

The hard truth is that getting rejected as a newly divorced single is going to sting, but only for a little bit. 

I call this first rejection the ripping off of a band-aid. Most of my clients reach out to me because they’d like assistance getting back out into the dating world, as they were married for quite some time. 

This first rejection post-divorce absolutely disrupts them for a bit, but that’s the key it’s just for a bit. 

It is important to remember that this first rejection is not in the same category as the utter heartbreak that you faced during your divorce. It will not be pleasant, but don’t let that first experience set the tone for the rest of your dating adventure, or stop you from getting back into the dating game.

Instead, this is your pivot time, baby. Use this opportunity to remind yourself that you did NOT get divorced to settle. A small rejection from that guy or girl you met on Bumble is small potatoes. Thank you, NEXT!

Temper Your Expectations

This is an important time to revisit why you’re dating in the first place. Everyone has expectations when it comes to dating. It is important that your expectations are realistic and not derived from a fictional, picture-perfect Hallmark movie. 

That being said - consider tempering your expectations here and there and head into each date without it transforming it into an interview process. 

In addition, I tell my people who are recently divorced to avoid putting all of their eggs in one basket.

This is the time to date people who you may not have typically dated in the past to see where those different roads can lead. In fact, this is tip #4 in my article 5 things to do post-divorce.

All in all, reframing your expectations does not mean you have to refrain from having high standards, but just tone it down, so fantasy does not blur what is actually going on - aka getting caught off guard when you get rejected.

Refrain from Generalizing

We have all heard it before. That adverse generalization phrase that “all men are trash” or “all women are uptight” etc. 

It happens more often than it should. After putting yourself out there so many times to just be rejected, it can make anyone feel jaded. This is one reason why so many people have a hard time finding love. 

Make sure that you do not generalize your entire dating perspective based on one negative experience. Every single person is unique in their own way. Going out with people with a bad taste in your mouth is going to make dating after a divorce profoundly challenging.

The next time you’re getting ready for a date remember to not put pressure on yourself about if they’re  “the one” or not. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new and exciting. 

Being conscious of the energy you are putting out is important in staying positive in this new and exciting chapter in your life.

Let That Sh*t Go

Lastly, as I tell my clients, you gotta let that shit go. Let them go both in a physical and emotional sense. 

If someone rejects you, don't allow them to take up any more time or space in your life and permit yourself to move on. Even if you happen to think that they are making a mistake and there is relationship potential there, leave with your integrity and dignity instead of begging them to reconsider or staying up all night wondering where you went wrong. 

“If someone rejects you, don’t allow them to take up any more time or space in your life and permit yourself to move on.”

In the end, you deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you. You’ll look back and be thankful that you found out early that you were not aligned, so you can find someone who is.

Final Thoughts - This Too Shall Pass

In summary, the critical thing to remember is getting rejected has nothing to do with your character or value as a person. 

Rejection is not a direct reflection of who you are. Not all relationships are made to last, and that’s okay (hello divorce)! At the end of the day, rejection is a part of the dating journey that just about all singles, recently divorced or not, experience.

With that being said, don’t let a rejection dictate your self-worth, and don’t let it scare you away from putting yourself out there to find the love you deserve. 

Instead, I suggest using this as a catalyst to bring a whole new attitude into your dating life. Dating with confidence post-divorce is something we all need a little help with. 

In the good ol’ words of Abraham Lincoln, “this too shall pass,” and this rejection is just a small chapter of a beautiful story that you have yet to write.