Why "meeting someone organically" doesn't work anymore
Whether you’re just starting off or you're a seasoned professional, dating after a divorce or bad breakup can feel like an endless cycle of unanswered app messages and mediocre first dates.
So it's completely natural to get frustrated and say to yourself, “That’s it! I’m deleting the apps. I’d rather meet someone organically!!”
Here's the thing — dating doesn't happen in real life the way it happens in the movies. It's not easy. It's often clumsy. It takes work and practice to do it right. That "natural chemistry" that we’re so often looking for is actually just familiarity and we DID NOT go through the process of a difficult breakup or divorce just to date different versions of our exes.
You're probably not going to like what I'm about to say, but I've found that tough love is the best approach to countering your desire to give up and "meet someone organically". Since starting Dating after Divorce I've had the pleasure of connecting with hundreds of people — just like you — who are looking to kick start their love life. The theme of "waiting to meet someone organically" tends to be a constant theme with those dating after a divorce or bad breakup.
Here's the thing...saying that you're "waiting to meet someone organically" is just a way for you to avoid dating.
“I’m waiting to meet someone organically” really means that you're not emotionally/mentally ready to deal with the ups and downs that dating (online or offline) entails. Healing is not linear. All men and women have their own journey after a divorce, which is why I created a reflection journal specifically for those who are looking for their next chapter to not look like their last. You should check it out — it's totally free.
We need to stop over-romanticizing the way dating "used to be". Just because previous generations met in real life does not mean that they were happier in the process. In actuality, our parent’s parents were usually just marrying their neighbors, or before that (& still in some cultures) having arranged marriages.
Whether it comes to dating online or offline, the truth is sometimes we’re our own worst enemy by never getting out of our comfort zones. So, if you’re single and choosing not to use apps or other services, how do you get out of your own way to meet new people and have new experiences?
Should you just wait around to meet “the one”? How long will it take for this meet-cute? If you do wait and the situation presents itself, will you approach them, or expect them to come to you? And if they don’t approach you — does that mean they’re not the one? All of these are questions you seriously need to consider if you're doubling down on "meeting someone organically".
Let’s run a few “what if” scenarios…
Picture this — you’re at the dog park and you see an attractive woman. Do you approach her? If so, what do you say? Do you talk yourself out of speaking to her because you're honestly not sure if you brushed your teeth? After all, you literally jumped out of bed. Best to not start off with the wrong impression, right?
You’re at the grocery store, you went by the one closer to work to switch it up today and there’s a tall, dark, and handsome man standing in the aisle. You check their left-hand nonchalantly, but, you talk yourself out of speaking to them because you couldn’t think of the pasta line that Jade mentioned as an opener before "Mr. Perfect" turned the corner.
It’s Thursday evening. You’re at happy hour with an old friend and you see an incredibly good looking person at the end of the bar sitting by themselves, but…you talk yourself out of speaking to them because your friend is talking about issues at home with his wife, so you don’t want to make it weird by going to strike up a conversation with a stranger.
In my opinion, if you are waiting to meet someone organically, but you are not putting yourself out there every single time you step out of your house — you’re not actually looking to date! If any of the above situations sound like something you’ve been through, the good news is that you’re not alone. I recently ran a survey with over 7k followers on Instagram where I asked:
"When was the last time you approached an attractive single in public?”
0.3% said this week
1.7% said last week
10% said last month
88% said they couldn’t even remember the last time
Most people just aren't putting themselves out there enough to have a snowball's chance in hell of meeting someone organically. But know this — there's nothing wrong with whatever approach you have to find love. Just be open and honest with yourself and them in the process. Also, please remember before bringing silly opinions of others into your dating life that 12% of adults in the US (as of 2019) are in a relationship or marriage with someone they met online — including your favorite matchmaker ;).
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