New Year. Same Me. Better Boundaries.
Hello, 2022. You handsome devil.
January is about reflecting and becoming better versions of ourselves, but let’s be honest. Unless we implement small sustainable changes in our lives, our unfavorable patterns will not break.
Hard stop - if you haven’t downloaded my free reflection journal do so here, and come back!
If there is any resolution you’re making for 2022 - it should be healthy boundaries in relationships.
Why are boundaries important in relationships? Because they give others the basic guidelines on how you want to be treated.
A few examples of healthy boundaries are:
Communicating that you’d like to take a new relationship slowly.
Discussing with a partner that you value and need your alone time to decompress.
Making it clear that you don’t want to rush introducing your new partner to your children until you feel that it is the right time.
A few examples of unhealthy boundaries are:
Allowing behavior to slide in a relationship that REALLY bothers you.
Excusing a relative or friend’s actions, because “that’s just how they are”.
Putting your needs second to everyone else around you - I’m talking to you, single parents!
To respect our boundaries, we must first identify them. Without clearly defined boundaries, you cannot expect others to know or respect them. Established boundaries allow us to grow into future relationships with a reaffirmed sense of self.
Growth can be challenging, yet immensely rewarding. Here are my four steps to establishing healthy boundaries that will help you build strong lasting relationships.
Step 1: Know Your Boundaries
First things first - make a list of your boundaries for the following:
Relationship Expectations
Future plans (family, financial)
Independence
Digital presence (social media, etc.)
Sexual expression & frequency
Anything else that sticks out from a past relationship
Step 2: Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly
Making a list of boundaries is pointless without the ability to communicate them. Be ready to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding your boundaries. Ask them to share theirs as well. If they can’t think of any, ask them what problems they faced in their last relationship. Giving a safe space for your partner to discuss previous challenges in relationships allows them to discover their own boundaries.
Step 3: Allow for Some Minor Infractions
Humans are imperfect creatures. There are bound to be things that your partner does not understand the first time you communicate it and vice versa. Allow mistakes to happen, but do not be a doormat. Don’t be afraid to revisit discussions.
Step 4: Change it, Accept it, or Leave
When faced with a challenge that counters a personal boundary you have three choices; try and change it, accept it, or leave the situation entirely.
Change it: Most people will first attempt to change their partner’s behavior they don’t like. This usually happens when you speak with your partner about what is bothering you, make suggestions on how to fix it, etc.
Accept it: If someone’s behaviors are unable to be changed you can choose to accept it or ultimately leave.
Leave: Leaving is not a suggestion to jump ship when things get rocky. It is however a reminder to be true to yourself. If there is a boundary your partner refuses to change, and you cannot accept, you have only one true option left - to leave.
Lastly, a healthy relationship does not mean that one person’s boundaries control the other. It means that two people are supporting each other emotionally, while they grow together.
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