Forget the Spark
When was the last time you thought “WTF. Is this really happening?” while on a first date?
I have a front row seat to the wacky and wonderful world of modern dating. I’ve heard (and experienced) the best and worst possible first date stories.
But while most first dates don't involve WTF moments, an overwhelming majority of first dates suffer from a very, very common problem. Recognizing and addressing this problem is the key to having a happier, healthier, and all around better dating experience.
Repeat after me, "I promise I will stop looking for an instant spark while on a first date."
This perspective is considered heresy in the dating world, but hear me out.
Each week I meet dozens of singles who tell me what type of partner they’re looking for and who has and hasn’t been a good fit for them.
I always ask, “Out of all of the first dates, how many have led to second dates?”
I usually get a response somewhere along the lines of, “Not many — you can usually tell within the first five minutes if you are compatible with someone or not, and I'm just having problems finding the spark.”
Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist who wrote the book, "How to Not Die Alone" said it best — F$%K THE SPARK!
I tell clients not to look for fireworks (or to be overly wowed) on a first date, but to instead look for the slow burn. Fireworks are what we were sold in fairytales and later rom-coms as adults. The slow burn is where the magic really happens.
So what can you ask yourself at the end of a first date besides “did I feel a spark?”
Here are 3 questions to ask instead of “was there a spark or not?”:
Is there something about them that intrigues me?
Did they seem curious about me?
Would I be open to seeing them again?
1. Is there something about them that intrigues me?
My husband and I joke about what a disaster our first date was. We went out to dinner and the whole time we roasted each other with sarcasm.
After we later became exclusive, I told him that at the end of our first date I didn't know if I wanted to slap him or kiss him. The next day, I couldn’t put my finger on what about him made me want to text him first. I just knew he intrigued me more than any of my previous dates had.
2. Did they seem curious about me?
One of the sexiest things you can do on a first date is ask questions and genuinely listen to the responses. After that, ask them about something they said in their answer. This sounds fairly straightforward, but in today’s dating climate genuine curiosity about others is severely lacking.
**Friendly reminder — you can’t have a genuine conversation if you’re just waiting for your time to speak after your date is done.**
3. Would I be open to seeing them again?
Nothing kills a first date “spark” quicker than jumping to evaluate if a stranger lives up to the role of a potential partner or not.
Living up to the role of a future husband or wife in someone’s mind is a big shoe to fill. Stop making dates live up to unrealistic expectations. Instead of going through the checklist of must-haves and deal breakers, go into the date ready to learn about this new person and have fun. Maybe they’re a future spouse, maybe they're a future friend, or maybe they’re just a life lesson you’ll email your favorite dating coach and matchmakerabout. ;)
Go into the first date with the intention of there being a second date, unless one of two things happens:
You feel like you’re in danger.
Your date offended you past the point of explanation.
Do your future self a favor.
Instead of going out on another first date and coming home to text your friend saying “another bust” ask yourself the three post-date questions before making the call if it was a waste of time or not.
Let’s do away with the fairytale spark and find a compatible partner IRL (in real life) shall we?
In the meantime, happy dating, friend!
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