Loneliness After Divorce
“Heartbreak comes for us all.” - Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo - neuroscientist, professor, and author of Wired for Love.
Heartbreak is universal.
It can take many forms - from the ending of a relationship to the passing of a loved one. Heartbreak is often followed by loneliness, which can affect anyone regardless of race, gender, age, or socioeconomic status.
When social interactions are few and far between, loneliness can make us read into exchanges more than we should, especially when it comes to dating after divorce. We tend to look for what we want to see, which can lead toconfirmation biasandnegative outcomes.
Love and loneliness impact our brains in surprising ways.
Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo's research explores the connection between love and our neural pathways, while her late husband, Dr. John Cacioppo, uncovered the dangerous toll of loneliness on our health. He found in his research that loneliness increases the likelihood of death by 25-30% over 7 years. Together, their work weaves a fascinating love story between neuroscientists and science, as featured in The Guardian.
In his book, Loneliness, John stated, “We feel pain when we are lonely because that pain warns us we are in danger of becoming isolated, and isolation can be harmful, if not deadly.”
After her husband's death in 2018, Stephanie faced heartbreak and loneliness. But she remembered John's advice: in tough times, look for opportunities and take action. John believed that simply waiting for time to heal isn't enough - we must examine our thoughts and approach our interactions with others differently.
Divorce can be a lonely time.
Keep these five simple practices in mind to help you find connection and healing by using GRACE:
Gratitude
Reciprocity
Altruism
Choice
Enjoyment
Gratitude
In 'Wired for Love', Cacioppo suggests “write down 5 things that you truly appreciate. Studies show that simple exercises can significantly improve subjective well-being and reduce feelings of loneliness.”
Overwhelmed by five practices? Start with three and set a daily routine. Jot them down in your notes app or on paper - just make it a habit.
Reciprocity
In her book Wired for Love, Cacioppo states, “being shown respect, being depended upon, being made to understand your own importance—all these things can give a lonely person a sense of worth and belonging that decreases feelings of isolation.”
Boost your mood and brighten someone's day by complimenting a stranger the next time you step out of the house. It's a simple, but powerful way to connect with others.
Altruism
Cacioppo shares her book, you should “Volunteer—at the library, the running club, the Red Cross, you name it. Be part of something bigger than yourself. Helping others, sharing your knowledge, feeling a sense of mission—all this will give you a feeling of self-expansion that is similar to what people experience when they’re in a loving relationship.”
Meet new, like-minded people by volunteering - who knows, you may even find a potential love interest.
Choice
Dr. Cacioppo stated, “You can decide right now—yes, right now—if you want to feel lonely or happy. When we look at psychological interventions for lonely people, changing their attitudes and outlook has more effect on their loneliness ratings than increasing opportunities for social contact.”
Marshall Mathers once said, "You only got one shot" - and divorce can be the perfect opportunity to reset your life. Don't waste this chance for a brighter future by dwelling on negativity.
Enjoyment
Cacioppo states, “Science shows that enjoyment is a predictor of well-being and life satisfaction. Luckily, positive events tend to occur more often than negative ones. Yet not everyone makes a point of enjoying them, a process psychologists call capitalization. Sharing good news and good times with others helps increase positive emotions and reduce loneliness.”
Find joy by trying new and old things, and surround yourself with loved ones. Approach dating with positivity and grace, starting by unfollowing any online toxicity - including dating coaches and influencers.
Wherever you are in your dating after divorce journey, please remember, have a little GRACE.
You got this.
