5 Signs They’re “Breadcrumbing” You
You started seeing someone new a few months ago and it was…hot. You told your friends and close coworkers about this new person. But, for the past few weeks, you’ve felt a shift. You can’t put your finger on it, but you know something isn’t the same.
Singles who are dating after a divorce face a number of challenges – sometimes first dates don’t look like their photos, people ghost, and unfortunately, there are those who give just a little to keep you thinking there's something there when there isn’t ie. breadcrumbing.
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough time and attention (ie. breadcrumbs) to keep you interested with no intention of seeing the relationship develop further. It’s fairly similar to the concept of “stringing someone along”.
A great example of this is from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You where Scarlett Johansson’s character Anna is hot and cold with a guy named Conor. They have sex once and then she only comes over to cuddle for the next several months. No dates, no lovemaking, no forward momentum – just lots of cutsie texting and foot rubs.
Does Conor's situation sound familiar?
Here are 5 Signs They’re “Breadcrumbing” You:
They’re inconsistent.
Their actions don’t match their words.
They don’t make or follow through with plans.
You feel like you’re more interested in them.
There's only micro-communication between you.
Now let's break each of these down from top to bottom:
They’re inconsistent
In any relationship consistency is key. A red flag in dating is inconsistency from a new partner. Someone who is breadcrumbing you will be very responsive for a while and then you won’t hear from them for an extended period of time (days or more).
Their actions don’t match their words
They say you’re an important part of their life, but their actions do not reflect that. A breadcrumber can say things like “I can’t wait to take you to my parent’s beach house in the summer” and as the summer comes and goes they make no mention of it.
They don’t make or follow through with plans
If they're breadcrumbing you they may just text to text without any effort to ask you out for a date or to see when you’re next available.
Here’s an example of what this form of breadcrumbing looks like:
You: “There’s an art show in the park by my house next Saturday afternoon. Would you like to go together?”
Them: “That sounds fun. Maybe! :)”
If and when they do make plans to meet in person, it is not followed through on.
You feel like you’re more interested in them
This is a classic example of breadcrumbing. You may feel like you’ve never moved past the surface-level connection, even though you’ve been seeing each other for months. Yet, they keep showing you attention here and there, so you think there’s hope for a future.
Micro-communication
“Micro-communication” refers to small forms of interactions, almost always via text or social media messages (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok) to give the impression that they are still interested in you.
Communication is the foundation of any relationship. When someone is breadcrumbing you it is sometimes hard to tell if they’re just “busy” or if they’re actually not interested in you. This is the bare minimum effort.
Why do people “breadcrumb”?
Loneliness is a reason people breadcrumb especially if they haven’t done the healing and self-work necessary after a divorce.
Validation is another reason because some people just crave attention. These are often individuals who jump directly into dating apps after a divorce without any self-reflection.
Narcissism is another reason individuals breadcrumb love interests. This is especially true with habitual breadcrumbers. Narcissistic personalities can do this knowingly or unknowingly. In either circumstance, they have little regard for the other person’s emotional needs.
How do I respond if someone is breadcrumbing me?
Communicate your needs. Let them know your boundaries and what you want from the relationship. Ask them if they’re on the same page. If they are - GREAT. If not, send them this article. ;)
What if I’m guilty of breadcrumbing?
Although you cannot change the past, you can be mindful and intentional about this moving forward. No one deserves to be a “backup” so send them on their way and hope the universe (or whatever it is that you believe in) keeps the good juju coming your way!
I'd love to hear about where you are in your dating after divorce journey. If you'd like to chat about what working together would look like, please find a good time for you here.
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