Do Age Gaps in Relationships Really Matter?
Are they too old for you?
Do Age Gaps in Relationships Really Matter?
Mark Twain said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." But does this old adage also apply to age differences within a relationship?
The way we date and who we date has changed dramatically over the years. What you wanted when you were 25 is vastly different from what you wanted at 45.
Thank god! (My taste in men was horrible in my 20’s.)
There are numerous factors that influence who we end up dating. As a dating coach and matchmaker, I’ve found that dating preferences, proximity, family planning, lifestyle, sexual frequency, and of course, age are the factors that most impact compatibility between two people.
If a client of mine is interested in dating older or younger I usually recommend they stay within an age range no more than +/- 10 years their own age. While dating someone 15, or even 20 years outside of your age range can work, the likelihood of you having similar interests and life goals becomes increasingly slim.
I’m candid about age gaps with people I know, both personally and professionally. I recently had a 39-year-old man say he was interested in dating anywhere between 18-30-year-old women. I replied, “What would you possibly have in common with an 18-year-old?” Your date probably isn’t going to understand your “I AM THE KEYMASTER” Ghostbusters reference if he or she was born in the mid to late 90s.
We all want a relationship that is enjoyable for both parties. Most people want a partner or companion who appreciates and grows with them. The larger the age gap, the more likely it’s going to be that one person is benefiting more than the other. In this scenario, it can be easier for one person to abuse their perceived “power” within the relationship, whether that power is sex or money. I have yet to personally meet a couple with a large (20+ yrs) age discrepancy where this is not the case.
Is Age Difference a Deal Breaker?
It is not uncommon for society to judge others based on age differences within a couple.
Research done by John Gottman has shown that it really doesn't matter how old you are, as long as you're happy with the relationship and care about your partner. Age is just a number and does not define who you are as an individual or what your life goals should be.
When it comes to dating - maturity based upon age is irrelevant, but life stages are not.
If your partner is at the end of their working career and you have about 15 years to go, unless they can carry you financially, there’s going to be an uneven balance and maybe even some resentment. The same goes with situations where the couple has children of wildly different ages. These situations add a layer of complexity to any relationship.
What Is the Average Age Gap in Relationships and Marriage?
In the U.S. the average age gap between a couple is around 2 ½ years. But, the age gap in relationships and marriage is increasing. This means that the older generation is coupling with younger generations more and more often.
There are two ways to interpret this data. Older generations may be looking for a relationship where they can have some companionship without a lot of responsibility, or younger generations are interested in establishing a connection with someone who has their same interests, struggles, and a more mature perspective on life.
Is There a False Belief that Bigger Age Gap Means Better Sex Life?
This is such an important issue to address.
MANY divorced people, especially men, are looking for younger companions when they divorce. Bad marriages are often filled with sexless relationships, leaving one feeling… lonely.
Let me be the first to say that even if a man or woman is younger, that does not mean that they’re great in bed. In fact, that probably means that they are inexperienced. But, hey! If you’re looking to do all the work, power to ya!
Reminder - dating after a divorce is not a time to settle, ESPECIALLY in the bedroom.
One beautiful thing about men and women of a certain age is that they are sexually confident and aren’t afraid to ask for what they want. In my opinion, that’s much sexier than someone who... just...lies there.
If you or your partner are 50+ be sure to check out our dating article specifically for you!
What are some Implications of Large Age Differences in a Relationship?
It's not uncommon for couples to find themselves with a large age difference between them. This is more the case than ever before, as people are living longer and getting married (or remarried) later in life. When people have a large age difference in a relationship, that can have implications on the dynamics of the partnership. It may be more difficult for them to connect with one another, or they may be going through different stages of life simultaneously.
There is also the chance of not being seen as an equal by your partner's family members who might think you're in the relationship for the “wrong reasons”.
What’s more important than age in a relationship?
The most important thing in a relationship is a shared sense of values.
A relationship is an agreement made by two individuals on how to deal with one another. It is more than just two people who share the same sexual attraction and deal with each other’s personalities — it also involves shared life goals, interests, and desires. Most people think that what matters most in relationships are things like age or looks. The truth is that these things don't matter as much as the person's personality and sense of values.
Unsure of what your core values are? Download my free reflection journal here.
Final thoughts
Remember, if you chose to date someone a different age than you (as long as you’re both consenting adults) it doesn’t matter what someone else says about your relationship (or situationship).
Ready to find out what's getting in your way of finding the one? Book a call with the world's leading dating after divorce matchmaker here!
