Have you ever found yourself continuously checking your phone the day after a date? You reach across your desk to check your phone one more time. Maybe, just maybe, they messaged you while you were in the other room and you didn’t hear it.

After an afternoon of this, you may think to yourself – maybe our date wasn’t as great as I thought it was. Maybe, they’re not interested in me after all…

If the situation above sounds familiar, you may have an anxious attachment style.

"Attach What???" you might be thinking. 

Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. Your style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of life, and once established, stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.

One of my favorite resources for this topic is the book Attached. 

Attached states that “effective communication works on the understanding that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by our attachment style.” The book goes even further to say that about 50% of the population is secure, 20% is anxious, 25% is avoidant, and the remaining 5% is a rare “fearful” style.   

So, what is your attachment style?

I encourage you to check out the quiz in the book I referenced earlier, but here is a brief synopsis of each: 

1. Anxious

2. Avoidant

3. Secure

Anxiously attached people desire intimacy with others. They often preoccupy themselves with relationships and are concerned about their partner's ability to love them back. 

Avoidantly attached people are known to equate intimacy with a loss of their independence, which leads them to constantly try to minimize closeness with others.

Securely attached people feel more comfortable with intimacy and are considered to be more warm and loving of the three styles. 

When it comes to relationships, how do attachment styles differ?

Your attachment style influences a lot of things, including:

• Views on intimacy and vulnerability.

• How someone views (and copes with) conflict.

• Opinions on sex. When, where, and sometimes why.

• How effectively they communicate their wants and needs to their partner.

• Managing expectations of their partner and their relationship

Can I have more than one attachment style?

Absolutely. This is NOT a one size fits all situation. Many individuals have a mixture. 

Why is attachment style important?

Learning what your attachment style is is helpful because it provides an insight into how you felt and developed as a child. Those actions have molded you into the adult you are and how you interact with the world today. Understanding both your and your (future) partner's attachment style can positively impact your relationship.

Attachment style theory clarifies where your strengths and weaknesses may lie in a relationship – especially around communication.

Can I change my attachment style?

Yes! Acknowledging your attachment style is the first step to changing (if you identify as anxious or avoidant). 

What can I do to have a more secure attachment style?

One way to develop a healthier attachment style is to choose a partner who has a secure attachment style.

A study published in 2017, suggests that an individual's attachment style can become more secure over time simply because the older we get the less time we have for relationships that don’t make us happy or fit our needs (ie. we’re less likely to put up with bullshit as we get older). 

A few other suggestions:

• Keep a journal as you record your current and future emotions on this new journey.

• Practice communicating more boldly and transparently than you ever have before.

• Complete the Dating After Divorce Reflection Journal and reflect on what your previous partners had in common. Ask yourself if your attachment style might be playing a role in the partners you’re choosing?

Lastly, if you’re looking to have a more secure relationship, Amir Levine, M.D. (co-author of Attached) suggests a strategy called “CARRP,” meaning look for a partner who is consistent, available, reliable, responsive, and predictable. These actions can show themselves in ways like; they call or text you on a regular basis; they answer in a timely manner when you call or text them; they do what they say they are going to do; they listen to you when your express your wants and needs; they do not leave you wondering what they will do next. 

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