How Long Should You Wait to Date After Divorce?
Is it 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years?!?
About 226,000,000 results.
This is - according to Google - the number of answers waiting for you if you search for “How long should I wait to date after divorce?”. This is also the question that I get asked almost every single time I mention that I’m a dating coach and matchmaker specializing in helping people dating after divorce.
One Size Doesn’t Fit All
Oh, I get it. You want an exact number. Whether it’s 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years after your divorce, the most helpful thing you could get from me right now is an exact timeline for when you can start dating after divorce. What you’re really asking for is permission - you want guidance so you can feel better about the choice that you have made (or haven’t yet made).
It’s OK to feel this way!
A common theme I see with men and women dating after divorce is that they need clear guidelines for when they can start dating again. But, as with most things in life, there is no “one size fits all” answer that works for everyone.
How Will I Know When I’m Ready?
Let’s start by pointing out that you are an adult. This means that you don’t have to follow the suggestions of anyone (myself included) who offers advice for your post-divorce journey. If you’re single and your actions aren’t affecting others, don’t give them space to offer up unsolicited opinions about your dating life.
The fact that you’re here reading this means that you’re starting to move in the right direction, even if you don’t feel like actively putting yourself out there yet. Here are a few signs that you’re ready to get out there:
You no longer compare every person you’re attracted to your ex. You’re bound to do this from time to time, but going through an intense analysis rather than being present is probably a sign you need more time! (Sidenote - when you do have sex with someone else for the first time, it’s going to feel like you’re cheating or doing something wrong. You heard it here first, friend!)
You live a completely separate life from your ex. This doesn’t mean zero contact entirely (especially when it comes to coparenting), it just means you don’t have any of their stuff sitting around, they don’t have any of yours, you aren’t living together, and you don’t call (or think to call) them when you have a problem or exciting news.
You don’t look at their social media. Look, we all check in on our exes from time to time, especially if they’re active on social media. But there’s a big difference from looking them up every once in a while to checking their pages each day. That’s a great way to make yourself feel bad, too, so cut the habit! This constant “checking up” will only prevent you from moving on. Do yourself a favor and stop looking at their Instagram account.
You no longer feel like you’d rather have them back than find someone better. We often yearn for the good times, but if you would rather have them back than find someone new, then you may need to spend a little more time loving yourself first.
Be Honest With Yourself
That being said, you might find yourself out on a date to only then realize that you just aren’t ready. That’s okay! Being honest and open about your feelings and intentions with yourself and the other person is the best policy. They may still be interested when you are ready.
However, you’ve likely been emotionally divorced or separated from your ex for some time now, so if you feel ready, go for it. The only real caveat is that you need to look within and decide if you want to find someone because you want to share your life with someone else, or because you feel like there’s an emptiness you need to fill.
If it’s the latter, it may be best to wait a little while longer before you start actively looking for a new partner.
